Understanding Where You Fit

Around this time last year, I wrote a post: “What happens when you outgrow your friends?”.  Ironically enough, I find myself asking the exact same question now.

As my life shuffles and changes, and I prepare for what’s to come, I realize that I miss the friendships that I had with people before.  However, perhaps the faulty logic for me comes from the fact that I had unrealistic expectations from my friends.

We’ve gotten older.  We live in different places.  We have different demands and priorities.  It’s completely unrealistic to use the college mold of a friendship to fit my real world scenario.  And if I’m honest with myself, we’re all different people.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but because of all the things that I’ve mentioned- age, different environments, different demands and priorities, even different experiences- my friends and I have changed.

Does that mean that we can’t be friends?  Not at all.  Some of the people that I cherish most are people who’ve lived their life completely different from how I choose to live mine.  However, through mutual love and respect, we’re able to maintain a friendship where each person is their authentic self .

However, as the title of this post says, I’m understanding where I fit in the lives of some of my friends.  Not quite a priority (actually nowhere near a priority), but if I ever REALLY needed something, I honestly think they’d be down for the cause.  But that raises a question: If I/our friendship is not a priority, should I be calling you in the event that I REALLY need something?  My thought is no.  And I say that because, if you’re placing a different value on the friendship/relationship than I am, the perceived/potential outcome of a situation where I need you is going to be different for you than for me- because your view of what’s important is different from mine.  Perhaps a better explanation might be like this:  Michael Jordan and I place a different value on $1000.  In the event where $1000 is lost or at stake, the outcome of that situation will be different because Michael Jordan views $1000 differently than I do, and because his view on how important $1000 is/how much of a difference $1000 could make is different from mine.

I’m digressing.  But I suppose that it’s possible that I have indeed outgrown my friends.  And while I still very much cherish the memories and the role that they’ve played in my life to help me become who I am, I’m done shouldering the efforts of keeping in touch and being aware of life updates.  While one could argue that having that role is where I fit in the friendship, I would maintain that even if that were the case, there should be some type of reciprocity.

That said, I’ll go forward from this with a greater understanding of my role in their lives, but also a greater understanding of the role of this friendship in my life.  I’m still blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me and love me dearly, even if it’s not those who I thought would be with me at this part of the journey.

Until next time…

Planting the Right Seeds

I grew up in the country, and around about this time of year, we’d be preparing to plant some flowers.  My maternal grandmother was the quintessential gardener, and always had impeccable flowers around the yard.  One of my fondest memories of my grandmother is of her working in her flowers.  It was something she took great pride in, and I recall several afternoons from spring, and into the early summer, of getting off of the school bus and finding her in some obscure nook and cranny of the yard, figuring out what type of plant would be perfect for that spot.

As a tomboy who loved to be outdoors, helping my grandmother with the flowers was a nice activity.  Perhaps, not my favorite in terms of what actually took place.  However, the quality time that I shared with my grandmother made it all worthwhile.  It was in these moments that I truly understood the value of planting the right seeds.  Not just in the ground, so that one could have beautiful flowers; but also in life.

Anyone who halfway knows The Bible most likely has a general understanding of reaping what you sow.  In Galatians 6:7-10, you can find the following:

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

That scripture speaks to the value of planting the right seeds, and the effects of not.  However it also encourages us to not give up in doing good- which I would say can be a challenge.  At least I know it’s a challenge for me.  Yet and still, if I would study the first part, and recall that I’m reaping what I’m sowing , it’s some encouragement for me to stay on the right path.

All of these thoughts were sparked by an email that I received from Mrs. Reba.  Mrs. Reba is a delightful woman who I met at my church when I was living in Athens.  She truly has a wonderful spirit, and always seeks to encourage others.  And, I will say that what I love most about her is her willingness to tell the truth in love.  I think it’s wonderful for people to care enough about you to tell you the truth.  But I digress.

In Mrs. Reba’s email, it included some thoughts about planting the right seeds.  Here’s the snippet that I enjoyed the most:

* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust

* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends

* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness

* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment

* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective

* If you plant hard work, you will reap success

* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

* If you plant faith in God , you will reap a harvest

So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.

Well said, Mrs. Reba, well said.  This has renewed my focus on what happens later, because as Christians, this life is only a glimpse of what to come.  We’re preparing for eternity.  It just might be useful to plant the right seeds for it.

The Value of Being You

I’ll start this post with one of my favorite quotes from Sex and the City:

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

I’ve been through some challenges recently, and as I think about it, it’s really come down to me being true to myself; who I am, and what it is that I want for myself.  And that sounds pretty simple, and pretty basic.  However, I think we’re very easily distracted by the possibilities that we create in our imagination, and fail to trust our intuition.  That, can lead to a disaster.

In relationships, you have to know who you are so that your identity doesn’t become lost in the identity of the person you’re with.  And I believe that the real hope is that you’ll find someone that loves you for you who you are, as you are.  But in order for that to happen, you have to be yourself.  Again, sounds simple.  However, I think we make it pretty complex.

We’re very cautious in how we reveal ourselves to people because we don’t want to get hurt and we don’t want to be vulnerable.  There are these walls that we have up for whatever reason, and it usually has absolutely nothing to do with the person that is attempting to get close to us.  Part of being yourself is allowing that side of you to show- with faith that the other party will accept you.  Sometimes it’ll happen.  Sometimes it won’t.  It’s a risk that one has to take.

Yet, if you DON’T do it, you risk even more.  You risk being untrue to yourself, allowing yourself to create and maintain this facade, which could crumble at any second; depending on the circumstances.  And you also risk hurting someone else, which to me, is one of the worst outcomes of any situation.

I’m proud and confident because at the end of the day, I know that I’ve been truthful and honest with myself.  I’m okay with who I am…and if you know me well enough, you know that I LOVE MYSELF (a lot).  I can border on being conceited.  However, I think that’s a process that one goes through as they began to accept everything about themselves; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Although I’m nowhere close to where I’d like to be, I’m on the right track, and very grateful that I’m not where I could be or where I used to be.  I’m a definite work in progress.

There’s a lot in my future that I’m excited for, and that I remain cautiously optimistic about.  And through it all, I will continue to embrace who I am and trust myself.

Life Lessons: “After a While”

My latest life lesson is summed up in a poem that I first read in middle school.  Written by Veronica Shoffstall, I’m not sure that there are any other words that better describe how I feel right now:

After A While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

So there we have it.  You live and you learn.  Until next time…

Life Lesson: Apologies Don’t Fix Everything

When we are kids, one of the lessons that we learn is that when you do something wrong or when you hurt someone, you apologize. We’re taught that it is appropriate and necessary to apologize in order to fix whatever the problem may be.  And while it’s a good rule to be taught, we also have to teach that rule with the understanding that apologies don’t fix everything.

I hear at least 10 apologies a day; usually from students who are fearful that if they don’t apologize for their behavior, I will send them to the office with a discipline referral.  I generally tell them that while I accept their apology, what I really need for them to do is to change their behavior.  I know it’s harsh, but in that situation, the apology is not the issue.  Their behavior is.  And if their behavior changes, then there is no need for an apology.

I’m currently at fault for a situation, and of course, I apologized.  And I was (and am) truly sorry for what took place.  But as much as I’m sorry, and as much as I’ve apologized, it hasn’t fixed the situation.  It doesn’t change the facts of what took place.  It doesn’t make things better.  When I discussed the situation with my mother, the first thing she asked was if I apologized.  And I told her that I had, but that didn’t mean that the situation was repaired.

While an apology can help facilitate healing, time has to run its course.  And the party that has been wronged has to exercise forgiveness.  In a process, the apology is on the beginning.  And the apology must be genuine or else it’s worthless.

Although I’m genuinely sorry for what I’ve done and for the hurt I’ve caused, I now have to deal with the consequences.  And while it’s painful, it’s the natural course.  The bigger part is learning from my mistakes, and not making them again.

Until next time…

Waffle House for Valentine’s Day

Thank you, Atlanta Journal Constitution.  This article tells of how Atlanta area Waffle Houses are now taking reservations for Valentine’s Day.

Here’s an excerpt:

“…Pink signs at participating locations invite customers to “get scattered, smothered and covered” in romance. Reservations are encouraged.

The idea originated with Calvin Stokesbary, a division manager for the Norcross-based chain. The trick was how to make a sunny-side-up diner seem more cozy and intimate for the big evening.

At the first unit last year, on Jones Bridge Road in Johns Creek, each booth got a red or white tablecloth and a candle. White globe lights were covered in red paper to give the place a rosy glow. The jukebox was unplugged and replaced with CDs of gauzy music.”

I guess the old adage is true:  It’s not where you go, it’s who you’re with.

For Valentine’s Day…

So,  if you don’t have someone to love for Valentine’s Day here’s a suggestion:  LOVE YOURSELF! Take time to love, and BE IN LOVE with yourself. Love your faults, your failures, your aspirations, your accomplishments, your family, your friends, and all of the things that help you be who you are. There’s this one, unique, you that needs your love as much as all of the other things in your life.

I say this because too often, I read or hear about how people get SO depressed from the time immediately following Christmas until February 15. The commercialization of this ONE day starts on December 26, when Christmas decorations come down and lasts until February 15. And it really doesn’t end there, because on February 15, all the remaining Valentine’s items are now 75% off. But I digress…

What I’m really feeling is that people spend all this time waiting, wishing, and hoping for this perfect person. And while that’s not a bad thing, because we all want to be with THAT person, where people mess up is that they fail to love themselves in the process.

When you love yourself, you know yourself. You know your strengths and your weaknesses. You know what you like and what you don’t like- and perhaps even why you feel that way. You know your faults, failures, dreams, desires, aspirations, and accomplishments. You’re okay with who you are, and you make effort to change the things you don’t like about yourself.

Perhaps people should make a Valentine’s Day Resolution, where they resolve to love themselves before they gripe and complain about a commercialized holiday. A gift or a date on February 14 doesn’t equate to love, and it doesn’t equate to perfection. Who knows what the person on that date might be enduring just to be in that spot?

So, I’m rambling, but…it really comes down to this: Love yourself, and don’t let a commercialized holiday get you down. Do it for you. And trust, when you take care of you, all other things will fall into place.

Random Musings: Love

I stumbled across this today, nestled in a notepad amongst other completely unrelated things.  It seems that I was in a funk about love and relationships.  See below:

At the core of every human is the desire for love.  A desire so simple and finite, yet so deep and seemingly unattainable.  And so we search and we question, and we make mistakes in a quest that should be meaningful.  But what if there is no meaning at all?  Is love really worth it?  Why do we bare our souls, our innermost thoughts, desires, and questions only to be left in the cold?  Of what value is my love if it is never reciprocated?  Does your love matter if it’s given to me in a way that I’m not yet able to receive?

Man, I was definitely feeling pretty gloomy.  But if we’re honest with ourselves, we know that love isn’t always peachy keen- it requires work and has it’s gloomy moments.  That said, I’d love to read your thoughts on my random musings.

Question Re: Dating Later in Life

This question was asked to me yesterday by my good friend Ty.  Here’s what he asked:

Do you think that the later in life you start dating, the easier it is for you to fall in love?

Ty and I hypothesized that it probably is easier to fall in love because you may not have the same emotional baggage as people who began dating earlier in life and have gone through some bad situations.  At the same time, we thought that beginning to date later in life could be problematic because as you get older the proverbial clock starts to tick, and with every person, there’s the hope that they could be “the one”.  Between that hope, and the naivete that a person has regarding relationships, they could be much more easily hurt than someone who’s been through some relationships and knows how to navigate them in a healthy way.

But now, I pose the question for you:

Do you think that the later in life you start dating, the easier it is for you to fall in love?

Hang it up versus Hanging on

We all deal with different situations in our life that will have us asking ourselves- should I hang it up or should I just hang on?  My general belief is that in most situations, you should hang on; especially in those where you have invested lots of time and energy.  But perhaps that was my youthful naivety.  As I get older, and I suppose, a bit more cynical, I can look at some things and recognize or rather, rationalize that I should hang it up.  Basically, I should count my losses, be grateful for the experience, and keep it moving.

Am I wrong here?  A bit cynical?  At what point do you decide to hang it up as opposed to hanging on?