Adjusting

One thing that I know about myself is that I don’t really handle change well.  While I’m always excited about the possibility of change, and I realize that change is really the only constant, that still doesn’t give me the ability to handle it well.

I believe that I’m pretty resilient, and surprisingly, pretty flexible.  So, changes in my work environment or within the context of relationships don’t bother me too much (unless they are EXTREME changes).

All that said, it’s still an adjustment to be in North Carolina.  While I’m glad to be back, anytime that you move you have to make the necessary changes.  I feel like the last two weeks have had me in a frenzy of getting everything set up and turned on, and now that all of those things are taken care of I’m just left to my own devices (also known as unpacking).

As much as I was ready to move back to North Carolina, I miss elements of my life in Florida.  And although I’ve been out of Georgia for a year, I miss elements of my life there as well.

I think that what I miss most is having that core group of people there to support me.  Twitter and Gchat can only provide so much encouragement.  While I know there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely, I feel like I’m walking that line.

I’m sure that as I begin work and school, things will pick up and I’ll be too busy to think about things like this.  But until then…it is what it is, I suppose.

Feels Good to Be Home: NC Edition

I’m back in North Carolina.

I’m at home.

It feels great.

That’s the short version of the story. It’s taken me a while to get to a place where I can blog for a little bit (hello, I’m in a small town now, and people just don’t have the same urgency to connect you with necessities such as internet).

The journey wasn’t too bad. I was worried about how Q and I would fare in the car with a lot of my earthly possessions for an extended period of time.  It was a wonderfully successful trip, between lots of listening to Michael Jackson, talking on the phone to family and friends, a stop at Bojangles, and a quite interesting discovery at a rest stop. 

Roanoke Rapids is nice. It reminds me of a more urban Hillsborough, with a more diverse population. Even in it’s niceness, it’s a far cry from the activity of the Fort Lauderdale/Miami area that I had become slightly accustomed to.

What I love most is that I’m close to many people that I love and hold dear to my heart. After being hundreds of miles (and hundreds of dollars) away, gassing up the car for a quick hour and half journey is so worth it. One visit to Chapel Hill for a night at He’s Not Here confirmed that all was well. The second confirmation was this weekend, after traveling over to Camden for a wonderful 4th of July celebration.

What I do not miss, or rather, what I do not like, is the unpacking process. I dislike it almost as much as I dislike packing. I’m taking it step by step, and I’m starting to see my apartment take shape. Slowly but surely, I’m feeling at home.

I’m excited that my mother will be visiting in a couple of weeks so that she can put her motherly stamp on my apartment. In the meantime, I’ll settle for unpacking, one box at a time, while becoming a little too spoiled by Directv.

Until next time…

Understanding Where You Fit

Around this time last year, I wrote a post: “What happens when you outgrow your friends?”.  Ironically enough, I find myself asking the exact same question now.

As my life shuffles and changes, and I prepare for what’s to come, I realize that I miss the friendships that I had with people before.  However, perhaps the faulty logic for me comes from the fact that I had unrealistic expectations from my friends.

We’ve gotten older.  We live in different places.  We have different demands and priorities.  It’s completely unrealistic to use the college mold of a friendship to fit my real world scenario.  And if I’m honest with myself, we’re all different people.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but because of all the things that I’ve mentioned- age, different environments, different demands and priorities, even different experiences- my friends and I have changed.

Does that mean that we can’t be friends?  Not at all.  Some of the people that I cherish most are people who’ve lived their life completely different from how I choose to live mine.  However, through mutual love and respect, we’re able to maintain a friendship where each person is their authentic self .

However, as the title of this post says, I’m understanding where I fit in the lives of some of my friends.  Not quite a priority (actually nowhere near a priority), but if I ever REALLY needed something, I honestly think they’d be down for the cause.  But that raises a question: If I/our friendship is not a priority, should I be calling you in the event that I REALLY need something?  My thought is no.  And I say that because, if you’re placing a different value on the friendship/relationship than I am, the perceived/potential outcome of a situation where I need you is going to be different for you than for me- because your view of what’s important is different from mine.  Perhaps a better explanation might be like this:  Michael Jordan and I place a different value on $1000.  In the event where $1000 is lost or at stake, the outcome of that situation will be different because Michael Jordan views $1000 differently than I do, and because his view on how important $1000 is/how much of a difference $1000 could make is different from mine.

I’m digressing.  But I suppose that it’s possible that I have indeed outgrown my friends.  And while I still very much cherish the memories and the role that they’ve played in my life to help me become who I am, I’m done shouldering the efforts of keeping in touch and being aware of life updates.  While one could argue that having that role is where I fit in the friendship, I would maintain that even if that were the case, there should be some type of reciprocity.

That said, I’ll go forward from this with a greater understanding of my role in their lives, but also a greater understanding of the role of this friendship in my life.  I’m still blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me and love me dearly, even if it’s not those who I thought would be with me at this part of the journey.

Until next time…

Planting the Right Seeds

I grew up in the country, and around about this time of year, we’d be preparing to plant some flowers.  My maternal grandmother was the quintessential gardener, and always had impeccable flowers around the yard.  One of my fondest memories of my grandmother is of her working in her flowers.  It was something she took great pride in, and I recall several afternoons from spring, and into the early summer, of getting off of the school bus and finding her in some obscure nook and cranny of the yard, figuring out what type of plant would be perfect for that spot.

As a tomboy who loved to be outdoors, helping my grandmother with the flowers was a nice activity.  Perhaps, not my favorite in terms of what actually took place.  However, the quality time that I shared with my grandmother made it all worthwhile.  It was in these moments that I truly understood the value of planting the right seeds.  Not just in the ground, so that one could have beautiful flowers; but also in life.

Anyone who halfway knows The Bible most likely has a general understanding of reaping what you sow.  In Galatians 6:7-10, you can find the following:

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

That scripture speaks to the value of planting the right seeds, and the effects of not.  However it also encourages us to not give up in doing good- which I would say can be a challenge.  At least I know it’s a challenge for me.  Yet and still, if I would study the first part, and recall that I’m reaping what I’m sowing , it’s some encouragement for me to stay on the right path.

All of these thoughts were sparked by an email that I received from Mrs. Reba.  Mrs. Reba is a delightful woman who I met at my church when I was living in Athens.  She truly has a wonderful spirit, and always seeks to encourage others.  And, I will say that what I love most about her is her willingness to tell the truth in love.  I think it’s wonderful for people to care enough about you to tell you the truth.  But I digress.

In Mrs. Reba’s email, it included some thoughts about planting the right seeds.  Here’s the snippet that I enjoyed the most:

* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust

* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends

* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness

* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment

* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective

* If you plant hard work, you will reap success

* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

* If you plant faith in God , you will reap a harvest

So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.

Well said, Mrs. Reba, well said.  This has renewed my focus on what happens later, because as Christians, this life is only a glimpse of what to come.  We’re preparing for eternity.  It just might be useful to plant the right seeds for it.

The Value of Being You

I’ll start this post with one of my favorite quotes from Sex and the City:

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

I’ve been through some challenges recently, and as I think about it, it’s really come down to me being true to myself; who I am, and what it is that I want for myself.  And that sounds pretty simple, and pretty basic.  However, I think we’re very easily distracted by the possibilities that we create in our imagination, and fail to trust our intuition.  That, can lead to a disaster.

In relationships, you have to know who you are so that your identity doesn’t become lost in the identity of the person you’re with.  And I believe that the real hope is that you’ll find someone that loves you for you who you are, as you are.  But in order for that to happen, you have to be yourself.  Again, sounds simple.  However, I think we make it pretty complex.

We’re very cautious in how we reveal ourselves to people because we don’t want to get hurt and we don’t want to be vulnerable.  There are these walls that we have up for whatever reason, and it usually has absolutely nothing to do with the person that is attempting to get close to us.  Part of being yourself is allowing that side of you to show- with faith that the other party will accept you.  Sometimes it’ll happen.  Sometimes it won’t.  It’s a risk that one has to take.

Yet, if you DON’T do it, you risk even more.  You risk being untrue to yourself, allowing yourself to create and maintain this facade, which could crumble at any second; depending on the circumstances.  And you also risk hurting someone else, which to me, is one of the worst outcomes of any situation.

I’m proud and confident because at the end of the day, I know that I’ve been truthful and honest with myself.  I’m okay with who I am…and if you know me well enough, you know that I LOVE MYSELF (a lot).  I can border on being conceited.  However, I think that’s a process that one goes through as they began to accept everything about themselves; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Although I’m nowhere close to where I’d like to be, I’m on the right track, and very grateful that I’m not where I could be or where I used to be.  I’m a definite work in progress.

There’s a lot in my future that I’m excited for, and that I remain cautiously optimistic about.  And through it all, I will continue to embrace who I am and trust myself.

Life Lessons: “After a While”

My latest life lesson is summed up in a poem that I first read in middle school.  Written by Veronica Shoffstall, I’m not sure that there are any other words that better describe how I feel right now:

After A While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

So there we have it.  You live and you learn.  Until next time…

Life Lesson: Apologies Don’t Fix Everything

When we are kids, one of the lessons that we learn is that when you do something wrong or when you hurt someone, you apologize. We’re taught that it is appropriate and necessary to apologize in order to fix whatever the problem may be.  And while it’s a good rule to be taught, we also have to teach that rule with the understanding that apologies don’t fix everything.

I hear at least 10 apologies a day; usually from students who are fearful that if they don’t apologize for their behavior, I will send them to the office with a discipline referral.  I generally tell them that while I accept their apology, what I really need for them to do is to change their behavior.  I know it’s harsh, but in that situation, the apology is not the issue.  Their behavior is.  And if their behavior changes, then there is no need for an apology.

I’m currently at fault for a situation, and of course, I apologized.  And I was (and am) truly sorry for what took place.  But as much as I’m sorry, and as much as I’ve apologized, it hasn’t fixed the situation.  It doesn’t change the facts of what took place.  It doesn’t make things better.  When I discussed the situation with my mother, the first thing she asked was if I apologized.  And I told her that I had, but that didn’t mean that the situation was repaired.

While an apology can help facilitate healing, time has to run its course.  And the party that has been wronged has to exercise forgiveness.  In a process, the apology is on the beginning.  And the apology must be genuine or else it’s worthless.

Although I’m genuinely sorry for what I’ve done and for the hurt I’ve caused, I now have to deal with the consequences.  And while it’s painful, it’s the natural course.  The bigger part is learning from my mistakes, and not making them again.

Until next time…

Yes, Things DO Change

“You may wonder, ‘How can I leave it all behind if I am just coming back to it? How can I make a new beginning if I simply return to the old?’ The answer lies in the return. You will not come back to the ’same old thing.’ What you return to has changed because you have changed. Your perceptions will be altered. You will not incorporate into the same body, status, or world you left behind. The river has been flowing while you were gone. Now it does not look like the same river.”  ~Steven Foster, The Book of the Vision Quest

“The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me.  The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.”  ~George Bernard Shaw

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” ~Anatole France

Courtesy of Yom Kippur, I’m currently on a little break from school, and I decided to visit the Athens/Atlanta area as a getaway from Florida, and to see people that I haven’t seen since I’ve moved.  It’s amazing how things have changed.

Most obviously, I have changed.  My attitude towards things have changed, and the comfortability that I felt with Athens annoys me a little bit.  It’s not as good a fit as it was when I was here.  I’ve stretched out, and while Athens is cool, it now feels like the shoe that you’ve started to outgrow.  You can still fit, but you don’t have as much wiggle room, and you know that soon, it will be horribly uncomfortable- and damaging to your growth- if you don’t transition into a larger size.

This revelation, makes me excited and confirms my decision to go to Florida.  Even after we make these decisions, and begin the process of growth and exploration, we still crave the familiarity of what we’ve known for so long.  Since being here, I’ve found myself craving a return to Florida- where I have my own space, my own thoughts, and my own life- not so inextricably intertwined with others.  It’s amazing how being in your own space allows you to grow, free from the ideas and expectations of others.  It’s not to say that their aren’t expectations that I have to meet in Florida.  I do.  But it’s a different thing.  And sadly, that’s the best way that I can describe it.

What has been comforting to me is that people that I know here have accepted me as I am- changes and all.  Sometimes the people that we know seem to put us, and what they know about us, in a time capsule of their memory.  What they recall of us is exactly how we were- and it doesn’t allow for us to be updated or relevant to where our life is now.  The sad thing about that is that you can never truly be friends with people who do that, because after that point where they’ve capsuled you, you only exist in their memory.  They can never fully acknowledge you for who you are presently and what you have become.  Although they may know and acknowledge the changes that you’ve been through, they are mere asterisks (with a footnote reference) to your category in their life.

This trip has been beneficial for me because, in all honesty, it’s always good to get away.  And sometimes returning to a place where you’ve experienced so many changes can allow you to appreciate even the smallest aspects of growth that you’ve had while you’ve been gone.

That said, I’m grateful for my extended family in Athens who has shown me much love…and I’m proud of myself for taking a leap of faith by moving to Florida and extending myself outside of my comfort zone.  I’m proud of my growth, and excited to see what lies beyond this point, this visit, this time…

And because I couldn’t resist one last quote; one that I love and truly embrace:

“There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  ~Anais Nin

Hang it up versus Hanging on

We all deal with different situations in our life that will have us asking ourselves- should I hang it up or should I just hang on?  My general belief is that in most situations, you should hang on; especially in those where you have invested lots of time and energy.  But perhaps that was my youthful naivety.  As I get older, and I suppose, a bit more cynical, I can look at some things and recognize or rather, rationalize that I should hang it up.  Basically, I should count my losses, be grateful for the experience, and keep it moving.

Am I wrong here?  A bit cynical?  At what point do you decide to hang it up as opposed to hanging on?

5 years ago…

5 years ago, I was blessed to teach some youngsters with the Sunflower County Freedom Project. I was even more blessed to be able to come back and watch them graduate from high school.  Here are some pictures from the event:

the 5 graduates, all my former students

Me, with Ms. Ward- my little one, who will be going on to Howard University.  I’m so proud of her!

“to be young, gifted, and black/oh what a lovely precious dream/…cause you know in the whole wide world/there’s a million boys and girls/who are young, gifted, and black…and its shonuff where it’s at”