Go With What YOU Know

So I wouldn’t normally advocate for “going with what you know”, mostly because I recognize that what we think we know can be flawed based on our perspective, our circumstances, our life history, and a zillion other things.

However, I’ve faced some challenges recently that have forced me to follow this “go with what you know” advice.  As I’ve begun to move forward, making and preparing for different changes in my life, I’ve faced resistance.  While this is to be expected, it’s forced me to also reexamine what I know- and HOW it is that I have this knowledge. 

The challenges that I’ve faced this year have forced me to plug in (even more) to God and to trust where He is guiding me and what He is telling me.  I’ve been forced to not only trust God, but to go with what I know He has told me, shown me, and promised me; moving confidently in that direction regardless of the dissatisfaction of others.

It’s not to say that the dissatisfaction of others is meaningless.  I strongly believe in seeking Godly counsel.  At the same time, there’s a point where relationships change because people change and are headed in different directions.  Sometimes as relationships change, we’re not able to provide people with the best advice for them because we’re examining them through a lens that is no longer applicable.  That said, I believe in taking advice from people who have been where I have been and who are where I desire to be.  Those are who I believe that I can trust to help be the bridge between my now and my future.  

But ultimately, despite who’s been providing me with Godly counsel, praying for me, praying with me, and supporting me; this has really been a time where I’ve had to rest in God and go with what I know through Him. 

Until next time- peace and blessings!

One Year Later.

“I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend.” – Morgan Freeman, The Shawshank Redemption

 

 

 

He was my friend.

I say that with caution, but not hesitation.  It’s taken me a year to realize that he was more than my student, but he was my friend.

It’s taken me a year to write this, because quite frankly, I knew that once I wrote the words, I couldn’t take them back, and I would have to admit that it was real.  I would have to admit that the news that came late in the evening of March 7, 2011 was true, and that he was no longer with us.

As a teacher, I accepted the grim reality that at some point, I would lose a student.  It’s unfortunate to think that way, but it’s true.  I never expected that I would lose a student so soon, and that it would be THIS student.

You see, we expect to lose the students who cause trouble, create mischief, diddle and dabble in things they know should be off limits.  But when you lose the kid who embodies all of the superlatives, Mr. “Most Likely to Succeed” who was also Mr. “Athletic”, while simultaneously able to be the “Best All-Around”, it rocks you to the core.  If you could measure his life trajectory, you’d find it to be off the charts.

And perhaps it is fitting that with a life trajectory that’s off the charts, that we now find him in heaven instead of with us.  I guess the world wasn’t big enough; that God was taking him far higher than we could ever imagine.

But I miss my friend.

I miss seeing him at Little Caesar’s, eagerly serving pizzas as if he were working in the most prestigious place; like the kitchen in the White House.  I miss seeing his little green Toyota speed out of the parking lot after school, humming the beats to some of the most ridiculous rap songs ever heard. I miss seeing his lanky swagger in the halls, floating a full head above most of his classmates and teachers; yet still a kid at heart as he packed his Transformers backpack full of AP Chemistry materials. I miss this kid, who responded to my correction with “Yes, M’aam.  I will do better.  But tell me, ‘How are YOU doing?’”

I miss my friend.

One year later, I still miss my friend.

As I watch your classmates delight in the countdown of days until they walk across that stage headed to the colleges of their choice, I miss you.  As we fill up the wall of acceptance with letters of college acceptance, I find myself wondering which letters I would have put up that would have had your name on them.  As I watched your teammates on the basketball court in the gym that is now named in your honor, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would have been like to see you on the court.

But all that wondering comes down to one thing: I miss my friend.

My friend, you are truly one of God’s best. I am so grateful that I was able to be a part of your journey; but that you were able to be a part of mine. You not only made an impact on people’s lives, but you left a legacy in our hearts. I hope we always make you proud.

 

Memory Music:

 

I REALLY Wanted to Be Upset…

Recently, I found myself in a situation where I REALLY wanted to be upset with God.  I am tired. I am frustrated. I am looking to the future and anticipating the ending of this season.  And I thought that it was on the way.  I thought that my breakthrough had come.

I was wrong.

I wasn’t upset that I was wrong.  I’ve accepted that I have been wrong many times, and I will continue to be wrong as I proceed through life.  What’s most important is that I learn and grow.

Yeah, so that all sounds nice, but when you’re REALLY believing God for something, it’s difficult if the outcome is not what you expected.  I was praying for a move of God and it happened…just not in my direction.  And I was left feeling hurt, confused, and unsure of how to proceed.

And then something interesting happened.

Two of my friends received breakthroughs.  We’re talking, huge breakthroughs, of epic proportions.  Things that we had collectively been praying about and believing God for had come to pass.

This overwhelmed me.  Then it excited me.

I was both overwhelmed and excited because it was the reminder that I needed that God hears and listens to prayers.  The prayers that I have been praying, the tears that I have shed- God knows about all of that. But not only that- God is still moving.  And I have to be excited that God is blessing those around me.  If he’s in my neighborhood, he’ll get to my house after awhile.

So while I REALLY WANTED to be upset, I ended up being humbled, grateful, and renewed in my resolve to pursue God and to trust Him to give me the desires of my heart.

Amen.

Peace and blessings…

Friday Favorites- Intangibles

I decided to start doing a weekly series on my favorites because I felt that it would help me be reminded of all of the things I have in my life that I’m grateful for. Each Friday, will have a different “theme” for my favorites. I’ll start this week with “intangibles”.

While “intangible” is defined as something that is “unable to to be touched or grasped; not having physical presence” (courtesy of Dictionary.com), I’m extending that definition to include things that cannot be purchased. It’s my blog. I can do that. And without further ado…

1. Family- I think my family is comprised of the best people God could have given me. They keep it real, they love me, they support me, and they let me be me. I have yet to discover the limits of their love for me, and quite frankly, I don’t think it exists.
2. Faith- Perhaps this should have been first. Oh well. My faith is the glue that holds me together. When all fails, I can rest in my faith.
3. Hugs- I don’t know that I was always a hugger, but I have definitely become one. As a teacher, I give out at least 7 hugs a day. Sometimes the kids need it. Sometimes I need it. Many a hug has brightened my day.
4. Silence- I enjoy silence and being alone with my thoughts. I’m a processer by nature, so I enjoy having time to decipher what I think and feel and why I think and feel a certain way. So much of my day is spent in noise and conversation that by the end of the day, I’m grateful for an opportunity to just “be”.
5. Love- There aren’t enough words to describe this feeling. Life is incomplete without love.  And in the words of the old hymn, “…when nothing else could help, love lifted me…”
6. Friends- I think that I have the best ones, but I’m obviously biased. If you don’t have people in your life that are there for you through whatever and who care enough to tell you the truth, life can be really hard.

So that wraps it up for my first round of Friday Favorites. Until next time…

How Thankful Are We?

I enjoy Thanksgiving. I have fond memories of my mother cooking all of my favorite foods (because really, who doesn’t like turkey, ham, potato salad, green beans, etc…) and us having a house FULL of family members to eat and rejoice with. Of course there was the time off from school, but just the general communion of people was so enjoyable.

There was always the quick dash to the grocery store in the morning because inevitably, something had been forgotten. Usually, a pie crust or some cranberry sauce, but there was always something that we had to rush to the store for, and it had to be done SOON…because it was Thanksgiving Day and the stores didn’t stay open very late.

That was then, this is now.

I’m amazed at the number of stores who are open on Thanksgiving this year. I’ve seen commercials for Wal-Mart, KMart, Target advertising that they’ll be open on Thanksgiving, as well as stores such as Ann Taylor and Old Navy. Hmmmm…

Perhaps it’s just me, but isn’t that strange? I understand it’s a recession, but is there an extreme necessity to be open on Thanksgiving? I feel that our society has very quickly transformed into one that is more and more about things and less about people, family, and experiences.

I understand the Black Friday phenomenon. I also have fond memories of being up in the wee hours of the morning on the Friday following Thanksgiving, traveling to Wal-Mart, Best Buy, and several other places to acquire the items on the very long Christmas list that one has as being a part of large family. I just can’t understand the need to begin that shopping on Thursday, on Thanksgiving Day.

It makes me wonder- how thankful are we? And what are we thankful for? Are we just thankful for a day off and another opportunity to spend hard-earned money (or for most people, spend beyond our means), or are we thankful for the chance to enjoy the time with our friends and family, to create memories and have experiences that are priceless?

I’m just wondering…

Adjusting

One thing that I know about myself is that I don’t really handle change well.  While I’m always excited about the possibility of change, and I realize that change is really the only constant, that still doesn’t give me the ability to handle it well.

I believe that I’m pretty resilient, and surprisingly, pretty flexible.  So, changes in my work environment or within the context of relationships don’t bother me too much (unless they are EXTREME changes).

All that said, it’s still an adjustment to be in North Carolina.  While I’m glad to be back, anytime that you move you have to make the necessary changes.  I feel like the last two weeks have had me in a frenzy of getting everything set up and turned on, and now that all of those things are taken care of I’m just left to my own devices (also known as unpacking).

As much as I was ready to move back to North Carolina, I miss elements of my life in Florida.  And although I’ve been out of Georgia for a year, I miss elements of my life there as well.

I think that what I miss most is having that core group of people there to support me.  Twitter and Gchat can only provide so much encouragement.  While I know there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely, I feel like I’m walking that line.

I’m sure that as I begin work and school, things will pick up and I’ll be too busy to think about things like this.  But until then…it is what it is, I suppose.

Feels Good to Be Home: NC Edition

I’m back in North Carolina.

I’m at home.

It feels great.

That’s the short version of the story. It’s taken me a while to get to a place where I can blog for a little bit (hello, I’m in a small town now, and people just don’t have the same urgency to connect you with necessities such as internet).

The journey wasn’t too bad. I was worried about how Q and I would fare in the car with a lot of my earthly possessions for an extended period of time.  It was a wonderfully successful trip, between lots of listening to Michael Jackson, talking on the phone to family and friends, a stop at Bojangles, and a quite interesting discovery at a rest stop. 

Roanoke Rapids is nice. It reminds me of a more urban Hillsborough, with a more diverse population. Even in it’s niceness, it’s a far cry from the activity of the Fort Lauderdale/Miami area that I had become slightly accustomed to.

What I love most is that I’m close to many people that I love and hold dear to my heart. After being hundreds of miles (and hundreds of dollars) away, gassing up the car for a quick hour and half journey is so worth it. One visit to Chapel Hill for a night at He’s Not Here confirmed that all was well. The second confirmation was this weekend, after traveling over to Camden for a wonderful 4th of July celebration.

What I do not miss, or rather, what I do not like, is the unpacking process. I dislike it almost as much as I dislike packing. I’m taking it step by step, and I’m starting to see my apartment take shape. Slowly but surely, I’m feeling at home.

I’m excited that my mother will be visiting in a couple of weeks so that she can put her motherly stamp on my apartment. In the meantime, I’ll settle for unpacking, one box at a time, while becoming a little too spoiled by Directv.

Until next time…

Understanding Where You Fit

Around this time last year, I wrote a post: “What happens when you outgrow your friends?”.  Ironically enough, I find myself asking the exact same question now.

As my life shuffles and changes, and I prepare for what’s to come, I realize that I miss the friendships that I had with people before.  However, perhaps the faulty logic for me comes from the fact that I had unrealistic expectations from my friends.

We’ve gotten older.  We live in different places.  We have different demands and priorities.  It’s completely unrealistic to use the college mold of a friendship to fit my real world scenario.  And if I’m honest with myself, we’re all different people.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but because of all the things that I’ve mentioned- age, different environments, different demands and priorities, even different experiences- my friends and I have changed.

Does that mean that we can’t be friends?  Not at all.  Some of the people that I cherish most are people who’ve lived their life completely different from how I choose to live mine.  However, through mutual love and respect, we’re able to maintain a friendship where each person is their authentic self .

However, as the title of this post says, I’m understanding where I fit in the lives of some of my friends.  Not quite a priority (actually nowhere near a priority), but if I ever REALLY needed something, I honestly think they’d be down for the cause.  But that raises a question: If I/our friendship is not a priority, should I be calling you in the event that I REALLY need something?  My thought is no.  And I say that because, if you’re placing a different value on the friendship/relationship than I am, the perceived/potential outcome of a situation where I need you is going to be different for you than for me- because your view of what’s important is different from mine.  Perhaps a better explanation might be like this:  Michael Jordan and I place a different value on $1000.  In the event where $1000 is lost or at stake, the outcome of that situation will be different because Michael Jordan views $1000 differently than I do, and because his view on how important $1000 is/how much of a difference $1000 could make is different from mine.

I’m digressing.  But I suppose that it’s possible that I have indeed outgrown my friends.  And while I still very much cherish the memories and the role that they’ve played in my life to help me become who I am, I’m done shouldering the efforts of keeping in touch and being aware of life updates.  While one could argue that having that role is where I fit in the friendship, I would maintain that even if that were the case, there should be some type of reciprocity.

That said, I’ll go forward from this with a greater understanding of my role in their lives, but also a greater understanding of the role of this friendship in my life.  I’m still blessed to be surrounded by people who care about me and love me dearly, even if it’s not those who I thought would be with me at this part of the journey.

Until next time…

Planting the Right Seeds

I grew up in the country, and around about this time of year, we’d be preparing to plant some flowers.  My maternal grandmother was the quintessential gardener, and always had impeccable flowers around the yard.  One of my fondest memories of my grandmother is of her working in her flowers.  It was something she took great pride in, and I recall several afternoons from spring, and into the early summer, of getting off of the school bus and finding her in some obscure nook and cranny of the yard, figuring out what type of plant would be perfect for that spot.

As a tomboy who loved to be outdoors, helping my grandmother with the flowers was a nice activity.  Perhaps, not my favorite in terms of what actually took place.  However, the quality time that I shared with my grandmother made it all worthwhile.  It was in these moments that I truly understood the value of planting the right seeds.  Not just in the ground, so that one could have beautiful flowers; but also in life.

Anyone who halfway knows The Bible most likely has a general understanding of reaping what you sow.  In Galatians 6:7-10, you can find the following:

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

That scripture speaks to the value of planting the right seeds, and the effects of not.  However it also encourages us to not give up in doing good- which I would say can be a challenge.  At least I know it’s a challenge for me.  Yet and still, if I would study the first part, and recall that I’m reaping what I’m sowing , it’s some encouragement for me to stay on the right path.

All of these thoughts were sparked by an email that I received from Mrs. Reba.  Mrs. Reba is a delightful woman who I met at my church when I was living in Athens.  She truly has a wonderful spirit, and always seeks to encourage others.  And, I will say that what I love most about her is her willingness to tell the truth in love.  I think it’s wonderful for people to care enough about you to tell you the truth.  But I digress.

In Mrs. Reba’s email, it included some thoughts about planting the right seeds.  Here’s the snippet that I enjoyed the most:

* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust

* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends

* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness

* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment

* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective

* If you plant hard work, you will reap success

* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

* If you plant faith in God , you will reap a harvest

So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.

Well said, Mrs. Reba, well said.  This has renewed my focus on what happens later, because as Christians, this life is only a glimpse of what to come.  We’re preparing for eternity.  It just might be useful to plant the right seeds for it.

The Value of Being You

I’ll start this post with one of my favorite quotes from Sex and the City:

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

I’ve been through some challenges recently, and as I think about it, it’s really come down to me being true to myself; who I am, and what it is that I want for myself.  And that sounds pretty simple, and pretty basic.  However, I think we’re very easily distracted by the possibilities that we create in our imagination, and fail to trust our intuition.  That, can lead to a disaster.

In relationships, you have to know who you are so that your identity doesn’t become lost in the identity of the person you’re with.  And I believe that the real hope is that you’ll find someone that loves you for you who you are, as you are.  But in order for that to happen, you have to be yourself.  Again, sounds simple.  However, I think we make it pretty complex.

We’re very cautious in how we reveal ourselves to people because we don’t want to get hurt and we don’t want to be vulnerable.  There are these walls that we have up for whatever reason, and it usually has absolutely nothing to do with the person that is attempting to get close to us.  Part of being yourself is allowing that side of you to show- with faith that the other party will accept you.  Sometimes it’ll happen.  Sometimes it won’t.  It’s a risk that one has to take.

Yet, if you DON’T do it, you risk even more.  You risk being untrue to yourself, allowing yourself to create and maintain this facade, which could crumble at any second; depending on the circumstances.  And you also risk hurting someone else, which to me, is one of the worst outcomes of any situation.

I’m proud and confident because at the end of the day, I know that I’ve been truthful and honest with myself.  I’m okay with who I am…and if you know me well enough, you know that I LOVE MYSELF (a lot).  I can border on being conceited.  However, I think that’s a process that one goes through as they began to accept everything about themselves; the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Although I’m nowhere close to where I’d like to be, I’m on the right track, and very grateful that I’m not where I could be or where I used to be.  I’m a definite work in progress.

There’s a lot in my future that I’m excited for, and that I remain cautiously optimistic about.  And through it all, I will continue to embrace who I am and trust myself.