Adjusting

One thing that I know about myself is that I don’t really handle change well.  While I’m always excited about the possibility of change, and I realize that change is really the only constant, that still doesn’t give me the ability to handle it well.

I believe that I’m pretty resilient, and surprisingly, pretty flexible.  So, changes in my work environment or within the context of relationships don’t bother me too much (unless they are EXTREME changes).

All that said, it’s still an adjustment to be in North Carolina.  While I’m glad to be back, anytime that you move you have to make the necessary changes.  I feel like the last two weeks have had me in a frenzy of getting everything set up and turned on, and now that all of those things are taken care of I’m just left to my own devices (also known as unpacking).

As much as I was ready to move back to North Carolina, I miss elements of my life in Florida.  And although I’ve been out of Georgia for a year, I miss elements of my life there as well.

I think that what I miss most is having that core group of people there to support me.  Twitter and Gchat can only provide so much encouragement.  While I know there’s a difference between being alone and being lonely, I feel like I’m walking that line.

I’m sure that as I begin work and school, things will pick up and I’ll be too busy to think about things like this.  But until then…it is what it is, I suppose.

Feels Good to Be Home: NC Edition

I’m back in North Carolina.

I’m at home.

It feels great.

That’s the short version of the story. It’s taken me a while to get to a place where I can blog for a little bit (hello, I’m in a small town now, and people just don’t have the same urgency to connect you with necessities such as internet).

The journey wasn’t too bad. I was worried about how Q and I would fare in the car with a lot of my earthly possessions for an extended period of time.  It was a wonderfully successful trip, between lots of listening to Michael Jackson, talking on the phone to family and friends, a stop at Bojangles, and a quite interesting discovery at a rest stop. 

Roanoke Rapids is nice. It reminds me of a more urban Hillsborough, with a more diverse population. Even in it’s niceness, it’s a far cry from the activity of the Fort Lauderdale/Miami area that I had become slightly accustomed to.

What I love most is that I’m close to many people that I love and hold dear to my heart. After being hundreds of miles (and hundreds of dollars) away, gassing up the car for a quick hour and half journey is so worth it. One visit to Chapel Hill for a night at He’s Not Here confirmed that all was well. The second confirmation was this weekend, after traveling over to Camden for a wonderful 4th of July celebration.

What I do not miss, or rather, what I do not like, is the unpacking process. I dislike it almost as much as I dislike packing. I’m taking it step by step, and I’m starting to see my apartment take shape. Slowly but surely, I’m feeling at home.

I’m excited that my mother will be visiting in a couple of weeks so that she can put her motherly stamp on my apartment. In the meantime, I’ll settle for unpacking, one box at a time, while becoming a little too spoiled by Directv.

Until next time…

Planting the Right Seeds

I grew up in the country, and around about this time of year, we’d be preparing to plant some flowers.  My maternal grandmother was the quintessential gardener, and always had impeccable flowers around the yard.  One of my fondest memories of my grandmother is of her working in her flowers.  It was something she took great pride in, and I recall several afternoons from spring, and into the early summer, of getting off of the school bus and finding her in some obscure nook and cranny of the yard, figuring out what type of plant would be perfect for that spot.

As a tomboy who loved to be outdoors, helping my grandmother with the flowers was a nice activity.  Perhaps, not my favorite in terms of what actually took place.  However, the quality time that I shared with my grandmother made it all worthwhile.  It was in these moments that I truly understood the value of planting the right seeds.  Not just in the ground, so that one could have beautiful flowers; but also in life.

Anyone who halfway knows The Bible most likely has a general understanding of reaping what you sow.  In Galatians 6:7-10, you can find the following:

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

That scripture speaks to the value of planting the right seeds, and the effects of not.  However it also encourages us to not give up in doing good- which I would say can be a challenge.  At least I know it’s a challenge for me.  Yet and still, if I would study the first part, and recall that I’m reaping what I’m sowing , it’s some encouragement for me to stay on the right path.

All of these thoughts were sparked by an email that I received from Mrs. Reba.  Mrs. Reba is a delightful woman who I met at my church when I was living in Athens.  She truly has a wonderful spirit, and always seeks to encourage others.  And, I will say that what I love most about her is her willingness to tell the truth in love.  I think it’s wonderful for people to care enough about you to tell you the truth.  But I digress.

In Mrs. Reba’s email, it included some thoughts about planting the right seeds.  Here’s the snippet that I enjoyed the most:

* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust

* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends

* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness

* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment

* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective

* If you plant hard work, you will reap success

* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

* If you plant faith in God , you will reap a harvest

So, be careful what you plant now; it will determine what you will reap later.

Well said, Mrs. Reba, well said.  This has renewed my focus on what happens later, because as Christians, this life is only a glimpse of what to come.  We’re preparing for eternity.  It just might be useful to plant the right seeds for it.

Life Lesson: Apologies Don’t Fix Everything

When we are kids, one of the lessons that we learn is that when you do something wrong or when you hurt someone, you apologize. We’re taught that it is appropriate and necessary to apologize in order to fix whatever the problem may be.  And while it’s a good rule to be taught, we also have to teach that rule with the understanding that apologies don’t fix everything.

I hear at least 10 apologies a day; usually from students who are fearful that if they don’t apologize for their behavior, I will send them to the office with a discipline referral.  I generally tell them that while I accept their apology, what I really need for them to do is to change their behavior.  I know it’s harsh, but in that situation, the apology is not the issue.  Their behavior is.  And if their behavior changes, then there is no need for an apology.

I’m currently at fault for a situation, and of course, I apologized.  And I was (and am) truly sorry for what took place.  But as much as I’m sorry, and as much as I’ve apologized, it hasn’t fixed the situation.  It doesn’t change the facts of what took place.  It doesn’t make things better.  When I discussed the situation with my mother, the first thing she asked was if I apologized.  And I told her that I had, but that didn’t mean that the situation was repaired.

While an apology can help facilitate healing, time has to run its course.  And the party that has been wronged has to exercise forgiveness.  In a process, the apology is on the beginning.  And the apology must be genuine or else it’s worthless.

Although I’m genuinely sorry for what I’ve done and for the hurt I’ve caused, I now have to deal with the consequences.  And while it’s painful, it’s the natural course.  The bigger part is learning from my mistakes, and not making them again.

Until next time…

Belated Merry Christmas

I’m a few days late, but Merry Christmas to those who still take the time to read this blog.  It’s been a delightful time, and I’m happy to report that this blog is coming to you live from the family computer of my parents’ home in Arizona.

There’s been a lot going on since the last time I posted.  The unfortunate being that a horrible sickness took over my school, affecting students and teachers alike.  I’m sad to say that I was involved.  I had to take two days off of work (which I HATE), to take care of me.  After I thought that I was getting better, I ended up getting worse…which resulted in a trip to an urgent care facility to get prescriptions.  Three sets of medications and 6 days later, I’m much better.  I still have a cough, but I can talk, breathe, and eat something other than soup.  I feel like I’m at 100%.

Now, I mentioned that I HATE missing work.  I do.  As much as my students tend to drive me CRAZY with their antics, we have a type of organized chaos that we flow with.  When I’m not there, they really let lose, and it’s nearly impossible to stay on course.  I always dread the notes that I will see from the substitute teachers about their behavior.  I haven’t figured out a way to curb poor behavior when I’m absent (I don’t believe that I should bribe them, because then it’s about the reward, and not understanding that their behavior should be up to par PERIOD).  If you have any suggestions about that, let me know.

But we’ll fast forward.  On Christmas Eve, I arrived in Phoenix.  Thankfully, my flight was smooth.  Flying is such an experience for me.  I really dislike it.  If its an afternoon/evening flight, you best believe that I’ve had a glass of wine prior to getting on the flight to help take the edge off.  Once we’ve taken off, I’m in the air negotiating with Jesus the whole way.  At any hint of turbulence, I’m usually telling Jesus about how it’s way too soon for me to die, and I know that He wouldn’t have it that way because I haven’t finished all of the things that He’s put on the “to-do” list.  I know that He’s in control, but I’m glad He’s a good listener.

Since being home, I’ve enjoyed the camaraderie and love that can only be provided by your family.  You know, the relaxation and brutal honesty that makes all the other things in your life seem to be trivial.  I miss having family close so that I can have some sort of refuge to escape from my regularly scheduled life.  It’s just something about having people there, in your corner, on your team, unconditionally.  I love it.  I love being home, and I’m hoping that I find a way to channel and create the energy that I have now when I return to Florida.

Now for the Christmas highlights.  The big winner in the gift department seemed to be Mom, which isn’t any surprise.  My stepfather usually goes way above and way beyond the call of duty, and she’s always happy.  As for us kids, this was the season of money and electronics- we each ended up with a gadget that we desired, as well as some money in our pockets.  Gotta love that.

There are some things from this season that I’ve noticed for myself, which have hinted at personal growth.  For one, I made, and for the most part, stuck with my Christmas budget.  I won’t be angry or crying when credit card statements come next month, because they weren’t used.  I love that I won’t be the least bit surprised about that.  Along those same lines, I really feel that I’ve done well with exercising discipline in the post-Christmas blitz.  There was a point where I’d be maximizing this shopping season for all its worth, getting all I can from these sales.  Now, I’m more about things that have worth, and none of those can be found at a sale.  It’s a welcome change…in addition to keeping some change in my pocket.

That said, it has been a Merry Christmas for me, and I do hope that yours has been as well.  I pray that you’ve been blessed with the precious gifts of the season, none of which can be found on sale. 

Until next time…peace and blessings to you!

prayers for a younger sister

Me, with my little sister, Michelle

The above picture is of me and my younger sister, Michelle, during my graduation weekend in 2007.  I love this picture of us because it’s one of the few times that I can actually get her and her attitude together so that we can enjoy the moment and be genuinely happy.

I love my sister.  And for the record, I love my baby sister, and my brother also.  I would give up a lung, kidney, liver, and some other things for each of them, if the situation required it.  I love them for many reasons- one of which is because they have brought so much joy into my life.  We (my mother, father, and myself) adopted each of them (my two sisters and my brother) when they were each 18 months old.  Fast forward some years, and they are 17, 16, and 14.  It’s been a good journey.

That journey hasn’t been without it’s ups and downs though.  Right now, we’re in the middle of down with my sister, Michelle.  She’s beautiful, smart, hard-working, compassionate…but this teenage phase has transformed her into someone we all hardly recognize.  And it’s taking a toll on the family.

I’m not able to talk to to my sister right now, but here’s what I would tell her if I could:

Dear Michelle,

I want you to know how much I love you.  I know that being a teenager is hard, and there are tough decisions to make, and you’ve done well thus far.  I admire your determination and your passion to follow what you want for yourself.  Not many people your age have those qualities, and it’s good to see that.

I also want you to know that I do believe that there is so much ahead for you in your future.  I believe that you can be whatever you want to be.  I remember we talked about you going into law, and we charted out a plan on how to get you there.  That’s one of my favorite moments with you.  Another favorite moment is when we walked to Wal-Greens and Blockbuster over Christmas break.  And I also remember teaching you how to put on make up, and helping you shop for back to school clothes.  We’ve had some good times together, and I know we’ll have even more.

Please know that even though I’m not there with you, I’m always thinking of you and you can ALWAYS count on me.  Continue to take care of yourself and go after your dreams.  Look out for Sarah and Joshua- they look up to you.  Oh, and don’t give Mom such a hard time.  Really.  Don’t give Mom such a hard time.  And, let her know that you appreciate her every now and then.  And lastly, remember that today’s bad decisions are a down payment on tomorrow’s problems.

I love you,

Erin

For those of you who read this- please pray for my sister.  Being a teenager is hard, and I pray that God continues to watch over her and the rest of my family.  I struggled with some things as a teenager, but because of God’s grace and mercy, I made it through.  I am praying and expecting to be able to say the same thing for my younger sister.

Until next time…

coming to you from Phoenix, AZ

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted on this blog. I’m kind of disappointed with myself for not keeping up with it like I feel like I should. I’ll do better. Really, I will.

So, as the title indicates, I’m writing this entry live from Phoenix, Arizona. I’ve been here since Monday evening (really early Tuesday morning) enjoying Christmas with my mommy and my sisters and my brother. It’s such an interesting experience.

One thing I’ve learned since being here is that I will NEVER outgrow my mom’s cooking, or laying my head in her lap while we’re watching television. Call me crazy, or a big overgrown kid…I say that I’m appreciating the simple things in life.

I’ve also REALLY noticed how much my sisters and my brother are growing up. Obviously, there are the physical changes (way to go puberty), but also having conversations with them and listening to how they process things is amazing to me. It also makes me wonder if I was “like that” at ages 13, 15, and 16. They never cease to amaze me, and I’m proud to have siblings who are so beautiful, so talented, and so giving.

While Phoenix is not “home” for me, this visit has been a reminder that home really isn’t the physical structure- it’s the people you’re with, the memories you share and create, and the unconditional love. A house doesn’t give that, but you can find it wherever you make your home.

Wishing you God’s best….

One Year Later…

So, today marks one year since the death of my grandmother; and it was a very difficult day. It’s amazing how vivid some memories are. This year has been full of many blessings, as well as many trials; and part of what has been difficult for me is being unable to call my grandmother and talk with her.

You never really realize and understand the true impact that someone has in your life until they are gone. I suppose this can be argued, and that some will dispute this. What I really mean is that I always appreciated having my grandmother in my life, but I didn’t realize how much it affected me. This past year has shown me that.

The worst moments come when I truly acknowledge that there will be events in my life where her presence would be welcomed. Graduations. Marriages. Birth of children. Despite knowing that she’ll be there in spirit, I still want to SEE her. Hug her. Talk to her. I’m sad that I missed out on so much with my grandmother because I was being a selfish, disagreeable child. But hindsight is 20/20.

The truth is that after a year, it seems more difficult at times. Some memories are much more vivid, some regrets are much more prominent. And still, some days I just want to be able to talk to her on the phone…

Memories of a Loss

The holidays were difficult this year. Not because of the crowds, or the traveling, or the lack of funds. They were difficult because this was the first year that I’ve spent any major holiday without a grandparent.

I skated my way through my grandmother’s funeral planning. Met with the funeral directors and did all the things that you should do. I felt numb. There were so many things going on. Calls from family and friends. Reconnecting with family that I hadn’t seen in a while. Getting things in order. I don’t think that I truly realized that my grandmother had passed on until I watched them lower the casket into the ground.

I returned to Athens and tried to go on as “normal” as possible. But I couldn’t because I was haunted with hypotheticals. What if I had gone home sooner? What if I had called earlier? What if I had prayed longer? There were several days (and this still happens now) where I would dial her number to talk to her, and realize that it wasn’t possible anymore.

My grandmother loved Christmas. And I mean, LOVED it. She set up all of the little Christmas villages, complete with people and snow; she had special Christmas china that was used, and two Christmas trees so that people on both streets (her house was on the corner) could see her decorations. She always had Christmas candy corn and M&Ms available (even though she was a diabetic). I feel like she could bottle up the atmosphere in her house and sell it as the holiday spirit. However,this Christmas was different. I went home with Christmas with my family, and while it was wonderful, the trip to her house was empty. I was glad to see my father, but it wasn’t what I was used to from the house, at least not at Christmas.

So this Christmas was different. And I’m not sure that I was completely ready to acknowledge how different it would be. It caught me completely off guard. It’s only been a few months since she passed away, but I remember her like I spoke to her yesterday. I remember how she sounded when she answered the phone. What it sounded like when she laughed. Her funny bits of advice. And how she always was so excited about whatever I was doing.

I’m sure she’s still excited about the things that I’m doing, but she’s watching from a different angle. And I still get to talk to her, I just have to ask God to pass my messages on…