Go With What YOU Know

So I wouldn’t normally advocate for “going with what you know”, mostly because I recognize that what we think we know can be flawed based on our perspective, our circumstances, our life history, and a zillion other things.

However, I’ve faced some challenges recently that have forced me to follow this “go with what you know” advice.  As I’ve begun to move forward, making and preparing for different changes in my life, I’ve faced resistance.  While this is to be expected, it’s forced me to also reexamine what I know- and HOW it is that I have this knowledge. 

The challenges that I’ve faced this year have forced me to plug in (even more) to God and to trust where He is guiding me and what He is telling me.  I’ve been forced to not only trust God, but to go with what I know He has told me, shown me, and promised me; moving confidently in that direction regardless of the dissatisfaction of others.

It’s not to say that the dissatisfaction of others is meaningless.  I strongly believe in seeking Godly counsel.  At the same time, there’s a point where relationships change because people change and are headed in different directions.  Sometimes as relationships change, we’re not able to provide people with the best advice for them because we’re examining them through a lens that is no longer applicable.  That said, I believe in taking advice from people who have been where I have been and who are where I desire to be.  Those are who I believe that I can trust to help be the bridge between my now and my future.  

But ultimately, despite who’s been providing me with Godly counsel, praying for me, praying with me, and supporting me; this has really been a time where I’ve had to rest in God and go with what I know through Him. 

Until next time- peace and blessings!

Did Independent Women Ruin Chivalry?

Something I hear from ladies often: “I’m independent.  I don’t need a man for NOTHING.”  Hmmm…are you sure about that?

I heard it frequently when growing up: “Erin, you need to go to school, focus on your education, and be able to take care of yourself.  You don’t want to have to depend on a man for anything.”  Umm…alright?

It was even on the radio, thanks to Destiny’s Child.

There’s a value in being independent.  I enjoy the independence from my family, and being able to say, “No, I got this.”  Or being able to remind my parents during the time that we spend together that just because I’m doing something in a way that’s different from what they prefer doesn’t make it wrong.  After all, I am a fully functioning adult, whether they are present or not.

I’m digressing.

I worry that this stress on women, particularly black women being independent has ruined something that we secretly (or not so secretly) enjoy: chivalry.  I’ve heard female students proudly proclaim that they don’t need a man to do anything for them- they can open the door for themselves, they can pull out their own chair at a meal, they can put on their own coat, and they can drive themselves wherever they desire to go.  All of that is true. As a female, I DO have the ability to do those things.  In fact, I do ALL of those things for myself when I’m alone.  Yet and still, I enjoy and appreciate the chivalry of a man.

When we (women) stress our independence so much, it makes men feel as if they aren’t needed; as if they don’t have anything to bring to the table.  While it is important in any relationship for people to feel that they are needed or valued, it is especially important for men to feel this way.  It’s like it’s coded in their beings as men.

Ladies, after enough times of hearing us say, “I got this” or “I’m independent” or “I don’t need you”, he’s going to be tired of hearing it.  Then one of two things will happen: he will leave (and find someone more appreciative) or he will just stop doing (or offering to do) chivalrous things.  If he leaves, we’ll be all upset and up in arms.  If he stays, we’ll be complaining that he doesn’t do all the things he used to do…and he’ll get tired of hearing that…and he will leave.

Let me be clear.  There is NOTHING wrong with being independent.  There is a certain pride that one should feel in being able to provide for oneself and take care of one’s needs and wants.  But, we don’t need to be extra about it.  I’m sure he ALREADY knows that we got this.  It was probably one of the things that attracted him to us in the first place.

Nevertheless, the constant reminders are not necessary.  Let him be the man.  Let him lead.  Show gratitude for his desire to open the door for you, pull out your chair, pay for a meal, or help you with your coat.  Again, SHOW GRATITUDE for the things that he does.  Don’t walk around with a good man and be ungrateful.  Find creative ways to express your appreciation and reciprocate the love and affection he shows for you.  Chivalry isn’t dead unless we kill it and bury it.

Author’s Note: These are my thoughts based on experiences with students and friends, both male and female.  However the question still remains, “Did Independent Women Ruin Chivalry?”  What do YOU think?

Question: Is “smart” something you ARE or something you GET?

As a teacher, I’m a firm believer that smart is something you get.  You can work hard, push your limits, read more books and become “smarter”.  It’s one of the reasons that I push my students so hard- because I’m understanding that there’s always more knowledge for them to acquire, thereby making them more knowledgeable and smarter.

However, when I posed this question to my students last week, their answers differed from mine.  This isn’t wholly surprising- I’m coming up on 30, and most of them are between the ages of 15-18; therefore our life experiences and thought patterns are different.  Nevertheless, I was surprised at the number of students who believed that smart was something you are inherently; in the sense of, either you have it or you don’t.  Quite the interesting mindset, to say the least.

So, I’m posing this question to you: Is “smart” something you ARE or something you get?

One Year Later.

“I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone. I guess I just miss my friend.” – Morgan Freeman, The Shawshank Redemption

 

 

 

He was my friend.

I say that with caution, but not hesitation.  It’s taken me a year to realize that he was more than my student, but he was my friend.

It’s taken me a year to write this, because quite frankly, I knew that once I wrote the words, I couldn’t take them back, and I would have to admit that it was real.  I would have to admit that the news that came late in the evening of March 7, 2011 was true, and that he was no longer with us.

As a teacher, I accepted the grim reality that at some point, I would lose a student.  It’s unfortunate to think that way, but it’s true.  I never expected that I would lose a student so soon, and that it would be THIS student.

You see, we expect to lose the students who cause trouble, create mischief, diddle and dabble in things they know should be off limits.  But when you lose the kid who embodies all of the superlatives, Mr. “Most Likely to Succeed” who was also Mr. “Athletic”, while simultaneously able to be the “Best All-Around”, it rocks you to the core.  If you could measure his life trajectory, you’d find it to be off the charts.

And perhaps it is fitting that with a life trajectory that’s off the charts, that we now find him in heaven instead of with us.  I guess the world wasn’t big enough; that God was taking him far higher than we could ever imagine.

But I miss my friend.

I miss seeing him at Little Caesar’s, eagerly serving pizzas as if he were working in the most prestigious place; like the kitchen in the White House.  I miss seeing his little green Toyota speed out of the parking lot after school, humming the beats to some of the most ridiculous rap songs ever heard. I miss seeing his lanky swagger in the halls, floating a full head above most of his classmates and teachers; yet still a kid at heart as he packed his Transformers backpack full of AP Chemistry materials. I miss this kid, who responded to my correction with “Yes, M’aam.  I will do better.  But tell me, ‘How are YOU doing?’”

I miss my friend.

One year later, I still miss my friend.

As I watch your classmates delight in the countdown of days until they walk across that stage headed to the colleges of their choice, I miss you.  As we fill up the wall of acceptance with letters of college acceptance, I find myself wondering which letters I would have put up that would have had your name on them.  As I watched your teammates on the basketball court in the gym that is now named in your honor, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would have been like to see you on the court.

But all that wondering comes down to one thing: I miss my friend.

My friend, you are truly one of God’s best. I am so grateful that I was able to be a part of your journey; but that you were able to be a part of mine. You not only made an impact on people’s lives, but you left a legacy in our hearts. I hope we always make you proud.

 

Memory Music:

 

Grateful.

In the midst of everything that is going on in my life, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and gratefulness to God.  I am, and have been incredibly blessed.  Last night, I cried tears of joy as I reflected on how amazing God has been to me.  The best descriptions of how I feel:

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.  Amen.

Friday Favorite: What Made Me Laugh This Week

Happy Friday!

Every week has challenges and this week was not an exception.  I’m grateful for the coworker that shared this video with me this week while I was in the middle of an otherwise rough day:

I know that I’m probably wrong for this.  But everything they’re saying just made me laugh hysterically.  And let’s not even talk about their facial expressions.

It’s the simple things.

Friday Favorites- Texts from My Students

I don’t think it’s a secret that I love my students and my alma mater dearly.  Both of them have a special place in my heart and receive a lot of my love and attention.

When God allows those two things to merge together, I feel even more blessed.  Especially when it comes in the form of receiving text messages like this:

Student 1: “I received my acceptance letter from UNC!”

Student 2: “I was just accepted to the University of North Carolin at Chapel Hill “

I’m relatively emotional ANYWAY (another post for another time), but when you have the opportunity to work with students, share your love and passions with them, and then watch them pursue that on their own- and the result is successful- the feeling is overwhelming.

I’ve known many of these students since I’ve been at this school, so I’ve watched them grow over the past few years.  It is always my desire to see them excel; to have a life of choice, one full of “want-to” not “have-to”.  

I was in tears after receiving their text messages (and a few phone calls) because I’m so excited about the things to come in their lives. Every day these students trust me and other teachers at our word- that the hard work will pay off, that the struggles they’re facing are common AND that they will overcome them. And then there are days like this where they really, truly believe you.

I’m so grateful for the opportunity to serve them.

There’s No Future in Frontin…

One of my life goals is to be a wife.  I desire to be happily married to a man who loves God, loves people, loves me; and desires to fulfill God’s purpose for his life. I know that I’m not alone.  In fact, I can name at least 5 women who desire the same thing.

Yet, while I’ve noticed that there are women who desire to be married, I’ve also noticed these same women downplaying that desire.  I’ve been in a few situations where I’ve watched women who I KNOW can’t wait to find the one they will be with forever, act as if it’s not a big deal.  In one situation, I heard one woman who has spoken with me about how she can’t wait to go to Kleinfeld’s in New York (of  ”Say Yes to the Dress” fame) to find her wedding dress (when the time comes), loudly proclaim that she wasn’t trying to be married.

This confuses me.  Perhaps I missed something.

If marriage is something that you desire, what’s the harm in admitting that?  What’s wrong with saying that you foresee marriage in your future?

Am I crazy?  Doesn’t it make sense to actually admit that there’s something you want?  How else can you get it if you aren’t willing to admit that you want it?

Or maybe it’s just me.

I’ve thought about this and it’s effects in a couple of different ways.  If women aren’t able to admit that they desire marriage to their close friends and to themselves, how will they be able to articulate that desire within a relationship?

I’m not saying that women should voice their desire for marriage on date one. However, when the conversation comes up, if marriage is something they want, they need to speak up. It’ll be hard to do that if you have yet to admit to yourself that you actually want that.

It’s kind of like this: the more we say something, the more we believe it to be true. There’s power in what we say. So, if we’re speaking lies, there’s a point where we eventually start to view them as truth. That’s not just in relationships, but in life as well.

Just be honest about it- about yourself, about where you are, about where you’re going. There’s no future in frontin’…
 
Until next time…

Again- Insufficient Parenting

I thought when I wrote this post on insufficient parenting, I had, for the most part, covered my bases.  And then you have those moments that will let you know just how wrong you are.

Insufficient parenting has gone to another level.

It’s a normal day at work. Students are being students.  Teachers are being teachers.  The day has gone by relatively smoothly, and I’m in my room prepping and reviewing materials for my class, which starts in about 20 minutes.

Out of nowhere, I hear what sounds like the gym erupting in cheers after someone made the game-winning shot. I brush this off, thinking that a class got a little too excited.  But the noise continues.  And gets louder.  Finally, I get up and rush down the hall to the cafeteria, to find it buzzing with energy and excitement.

Outside the cafeteria on the sidewalk, I see a young lady surrounded by her peers.  They appear to be calming her down.  I see another young lady being escorted to the office by a teacher.  And I see a parent of the first young lady, who seemed to arrive really fast for something that just happened to pop off.

I go in the cafeteria and start calming kids down; making sure they are quiet and in their seats.  Then I ask other teachers what happened.  And then I learn of the ULTIMATE case of insufficient parenting.

This ALMOST altercation, loud ruckus, disturbing my work time…was caused by a parent.

A PARENT came to the school, cornered a young lady so that her daughter and her daughter’s friends could fuss her out.

Really?  Sigh.  I can’t make this up.  But you’re a GROWN woman.  Why in the WORLD are you SO involved with your child’s drama that you are coming to school to instigate a fight?

Let me be clear: I am in full support of parental involvement in the life of their child.  I encourage it.  I believe and know from experience that it makes a difference.  HOWEVER, that DOES NOT mean that you should be at your child’s school as a GROWN WOMAN instigating fights with teenagers.  I’m sorry for the confusion.  When you do that, you’ve crossed the line into the realm of insufficient parenting.

So yes.  Just to be clear: being involved in your kid’s life is good.  Helping your kids instigate fights with others is insufficient parenting.

That is all.

Sometimes My Students Overwhelm Me…

It’s Monday.  I’m moving slow. I’m trying to get my work done in the most efficient way possible.  I’m sitting in my classroom, working; but also listening to the class that’s taking place.  Senior English, filled with a bunch of students who I love dearly and who frustrate me just as much.

Their conversation is on justice and revenge, based out of their current reading of the book “Flight“.  The question posed to the class is about what constitutes justice, and if/when you should pursue revenge…or the idea of “an eye for an eye”.

Most students are explaining why they would pursue revenge and why revenge could be a form of justice.  And then I hear this comment:

“If somebody killed my mom, justice for me would be forgiveness.  If I pursued revenge, I would still have greed and hate in my heart and I wouldn’t feel right; so I feel that the ultimate justice is for me to forgive them.”

The emotion that I felt as I processed that statement, and what it meant was overwhelming.  As I thought about that statement, my eyes welled up with tears.  In a culture that promotes “an eye for an eye” and always getting even as a means of getting ahead; I praise God for students who know and understand the essence of love and forgiveness.

Out of the mouths of babes…

Peace and blessings…