Life Lesson: Apologies Don’t Fix Everything

When we are kids, one of the lessons that we learn is that when you do something wrong or when you hurt someone, you apologize. We’re taught that it is appropriate and necessary to apologize in order to fix whatever the problem may be.  And while it’s a good rule to be taught, we also have to teach that rule with the understanding that apologies don’t fix everything.

I hear at least 10 apologies a day; usually from students who are fearful that if they don’t apologize for their behavior, I will send them to the office with a discipline referral.  I generally tell them that while I accept their apology, what I really need for them to do is to change their behavior.  I know it’s harsh, but in that situation, the apology is not the issue.  Their behavior is.  And if their behavior changes, then there is no need for an apology.

I’m currently at fault for a situation, and of course, I apologized.  And I was (and am) truly sorry for what took place.  But as much as I’m sorry, and as much as I’ve apologized, it hasn’t fixed the situation.  It doesn’t change the facts of what took place.  It doesn’t make things better.  When I discussed the situation with my mother, the first thing she asked was if I apologized.  And I told her that I had, but that didn’t mean that the situation was repaired.

While an apology can help facilitate healing, time has to run its course.  And the party that has been wronged has to exercise forgiveness.  In a process, the apology is on the beginning.  And the apology must be genuine or else it’s worthless.

Although I’m genuinely sorry for what I’ve done and for the hurt I’ve caused, I now have to deal with the consequences.  And while it’s painful, it’s the natural course.  The bigger part is learning from my mistakes, and not making them again.

Until next time…

Yes, We Need HBCUs

I suppose that it’s a bit strange for me, a proud alumni of both the University of North Carolina and the University of Georgia, to write about the necessity of historically black colleges and universities.  But in these struggling times, it seems that historically black colleges and universities are facing extremely difficult times.  I recently posted about how the recession was affecting schools such as Morehouse College and Spelman College.  But, it’s bigger than that.

The major question that seems to be floating around is somewhere along the lines of, “Is there a need for a historically black college and university?”  People use all sorts of reasons to justify, citing the recent election of Senator Barack Obama to the office of President of the United States.  Or people will argue that racism isn’t “that bad” and having separate schools will only perpetuate the problem.  Regardless of the reason, historically black colleges and universities are important beacons of higher learning that are still needed today.

There was a time when African Americans could only dream of attending the universities that I attended.  Unless we were planning to work in the kitchen, on the grounds, in housekeeping, or some other servile position, African Americans were not welcomed.  HBCUs were established to provide African American students with the higher learning that they desired, as well was instill a cultural pride and tradition.  Students were encouraged to take what they learned at Howard, Hampton, Fisk, North Carolina A&T, or North Carolina Central (just to name a few) and go serve their communities.

Students who attended these universities will tell you of how the experience changed their life.  And while I will be quick to say that I loved every bit of the time I spent at UNC and UGA, there’s a different spirit that envelops the campus of an HBCU- from the administration, to the professors, to the homecoming celebrations, to the family lineage of attendees.  Its a spirit that celebrates being African American, and all that it means, in its various forms.

Historically black colleges and universities gave African American students an opportunity to achieve when there was no other avenue available.  And that is still so today.  Many HBCUs still hold on to their access mission; hoping to bring in as many of the best and the brightest that they can.  And while there are a number of African American students who are now able to choose between Johns Hopkins and Johnson C. Smith, we’re still finding that some will choose the Johnson C. Smith because there’s something special there that makes it a better fit.

Two articles, one in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and the other from MSNBC.com detail how the financial recession is affecting HBCUs.  It’s not the first time these institutions have faced hard times.  It’s not the first time that they have been critiqued.  I believe that the schools will be able to overcome this situation, by cutting back (as several schools are doing), and hopefully with increased donations among students, faculty, and alumni.  It’s imperative for it to happen.  And honestly, I can’t see the landscape of higher education being the same without historically black colleges and universities.

Waffle House for Valentine’s Day

Thank you, Atlanta Journal Constitution.  This article tells of how Atlanta area Waffle Houses are now taking reservations for Valentine’s Day.

Here’s an excerpt:

“…Pink signs at participating locations invite customers to “get scattered, smothered and covered” in romance. Reservations are encouraged.

The idea originated with Calvin Stokesbary, a division manager for the Norcross-based chain. The trick was how to make a sunny-side-up diner seem more cozy and intimate for the big evening.

At the first unit last year, on Jones Bridge Road in Johns Creek, each booth got a red or white tablecloth and a candle. White globe lights were covered in red paper to give the place a rosy glow. The jukebox was unplugged and replaced with CDs of gauzy music.”

I guess the old adage is true:  It’s not where you go, it’s who you’re with.

A Culture of Cheaters

Welcome to America: Where Cheaters Live.

I know, it’s not the official motto of America, but I feel that it should be.  I’m sad that America has turned into a country that has such a strong culture of cheating.

Alex Rodriguez became the latest high profile athlete to admit to using steroids or a “banned substance” as it’s so frequently called.  In this article, A-Rod says, “And I did take a banned substance and, you know, for that I’m very sorry and deeply regretful. And although it was the culture back then and Major League Baseball overall was very — I just feel that — You know, I’m just sorry. I’m sorry for that time. I’m sorry to fans. I’m sorry for my fans in Texas. It wasn’t until then that I ever thought about substance of any kind.”

However, this isn’t just about A-Rod’s shady behavior.  It’s not about how he had us all fooled into thinking that he was genuinely one of the best baseball players ever.  It’s not even about the kids who now know that their hero is, in part, a fraud.

It’s about cheating and the quest to get ahead.  The drive to be successful by any means necessary.  I see it in my classrooms, and all over the school. People feel that the only way to become successful is by cutting corners.  One of my good friends always says, “It’s hard to build your soul when everyone around you is selling theirs.”

This frustrates me. It saddens me. It angers me. All at the same time. Perhaps it’s my background. When I was growing up, it was not enough to win or to achieve. It had to be done in the right way; the honorable way. And while I may not have always come out of the situation with the victory, I could take pride in knowing that I had taken the appropriate approach to the situation.

What is it about our culture that produces this drive to cheat? How can we change it?

Below you’ll find a poem that I first read as a middle schooler. It helped shape my perspective and reaffirmed to me that at the end of the day, I need to be able to be true to myself and have my own dignity and self respect.

The Man In The Glass  by Peter Dale Winbrow, Sr.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

He’s the fellow to please – never mind all the rest
For he’s with you, clear to the end
And you’ve passed your most difficult, dangerous test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.

My closing thoughts can be summed up by Philipians 4:7-9:  “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Don’t lose yourself in the process of trying to attain what you THINK is important.  The reason that most people fail instead of succeeding is because they trade what they want most for what they want most at the moment.  We have to be better about making ourselves better people, not just people who have better things.

This Recession is EVERYWHERE…

In order to still feel connected to the GA area, I read online articles from the Atlanta Journal Constitution every day.  There are always several articles that catch my attention.  Here’s what caught my eye today:

“Morehouse cuts staff; Clark Atlanta reorganizes after cuts”

An excerpt:

“On the heels of its announcement last week that it was restructuring its curriculum and letting 70 faculty members go, Clark Atlanta University on Sunday said all physical education classes had been canceled for the semester.

The cancellations were announced in a letter to students from the university’s academic affairs office.

The letter also stated that class schedule changes in the School of Arts and Sciences “will be made available to you shortly,” but that class schedules in the schools of Education, Business and Social Work would remain unchanged.

Clark Atlanta isn’t the only higher educational insitution feeling the sting of a foundering economy.

On Sunday, Morehouse College officials confirmed that 25 adjunct professors, about one-third of the part-time instructors employed there, did not have their contracts renewed for the spring semester. Full-time Morehouse faculty and staff were not affected by the move, officials said.”

Wow.  As I’ve been listening to the talks about the recession and reading different news reports, I’ve understood a couple of effects of the recession on higher education.  One effect is that schools are suffering from shrinking endowments and lack of donations.  The other effect is that in many areas, students are opting to attend their local community colleges as opposed to going away to school because it’s a cheaper alternative.  Along with this, community college enrollment is also increasing due to lay offs- many people who are laid off are taking this opportunity to go back to school and finish that degree or take classes to help sharpen their skills.

All that said, the MOST stringent handling of the recession that I’ve observed with schools is a hiring freeze.  So, reading about the cuts at Morehouse and Clark Atlanta is shocking.  I once heard it said that when America gets a cold, black America gets pneumonia.  Unfortunately, it appears to be true in this case as well.

For Valentine’s Day…

So,  if you don’t have someone to love for Valentine’s Day here’s a suggestion:  LOVE YOURSELF! Take time to love, and BE IN LOVE with yourself. Love your faults, your failures, your aspirations, your accomplishments, your family, your friends, and all of the things that help you be who you are. There’s this one, unique, you that needs your love as much as all of the other things in your life.

I say this because too often, I read or hear about how people get SO depressed from the time immediately following Christmas until February 15. The commercialization of this ONE day starts on December 26, when Christmas decorations come down and lasts until February 15. And it really doesn’t end there, because on February 15, all the remaining Valentine’s items are now 75% off. But I digress…

What I’m really feeling is that people spend all this time waiting, wishing, and hoping for this perfect person. And while that’s not a bad thing, because we all want to be with THAT person, where people mess up is that they fail to love themselves in the process.

When you love yourself, you know yourself. You know your strengths and your weaknesses. You know what you like and what you don’t like- and perhaps even why you feel that way. You know your faults, failures, dreams, desires, aspirations, and accomplishments. You’re okay with who you are, and you make effort to change the things you don’t like about yourself.

Perhaps people should make a Valentine’s Day Resolution, where they resolve to love themselves before they gripe and complain about a commercialized holiday. A gift or a date on February 14 doesn’t equate to love, and it doesn’t equate to perfection. Who knows what the person on that date might be enduring just to be in that spot?

So, I’m rambling, but…it really comes down to this: Love yourself, and don’t let a commercialized holiday get you down. Do it for you. And trust, when you take care of you, all other things will fall into place.

All sorts of things…

I always promise to update this blog more- and I always intend to keep that promise.  With all the thoughts that I have swirling through my head, you’d think that this blog could easily be transformed into a book by now.  Alas, I take the easy way out and avoid writing, which is something that I LOVE, for other things- such as ummm…teaching, and ummm lesson planning, and stuff of the sort.

The last time I wrote, I was in the midst of the annual family Christmas gathering.  And while I mentioned my fear of flying, I’m happy to report that I have (obviously) made it home to Florida, and continued with my regularly scheduled life, which was already in progress.  The worst part of the flight was that it was nonstop.  Seriously, I hate flying so much that I often have layovers to calm myself.  Nevertheless, it was a smooth trip, and I got a nap in, as well as some project graded.

For me, the joy of 2009 has, thus far, been the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th president of the United States.  It makes me sad to report that I was unable to make the trip to the inauguration (especially since my mother received an official invite that she decided not to use nor share with me…but I’m not bitter).  However, I did watch the inauguration with some of my students, as it was required by the school that we watch it.  It was an incredibly emotional moment for me, and I was completely unashamed of the tears that streamed down my face as I stood in front of a classroom full of 6th graders watching President Obama take the oath of office.  While I’ve never really felt limited in what  I could accomplish, I now truly feel empowered and excited about the fact that so many things are possible to me.  And I think that’s a feeling across America now, but especially in the African American community.  The sentiment that was consistently echoed was two fold- older African Americans (perhaps those who experienced the Civil Rights Movement and periods before and after) didn’t feel that they would see an African American president in their lifetime; younger African Americans didn’t think it would happen so soon.  The result is still the same- an entire nation of people now feel able and confident to dream again, and to pursue those dreams, because they truly believe that anything is possible.  Biblically, I can sum it up with two verses:  1 Corinthians 2:9 and Ephesians 3:20-21.

Of course with 2009 being a new year, I’ve set some goals for the year.  Goals, not resolutions.  Most of the goals revolve around me being more financially savvy and secure, and truly pursuing the things that I want out of life.  One month in, I feel that I’m off to a fairly good start, with the exception of the goal to work out.  If I could nail that one, I’d be a winner.

I’m proud to say that I’ve survived my first full semester as a teacher.  While I’d like to report that it’s gotten easier, it hasn’t.  And while there are times that I think that I’m better at managing all that teaching requires, there are other times where I’m ready to give this career “the finger” and keep it moving.  I can honestly say that I understand why many teachers quit after their first few years.  But as Jay-Z would say, “…this is the life I chose, or rather, the life that chose me.”  The positive is that I see headway in some areas, and I’m grateful for the encouragement and assistance from my coworkers, friends, family, and even from the students who say nice things that are just enough to keep me holding on until Friday (usually by Sunday evening, I’ve forgotten anything horrible about the last week, and I’m ready to dive in again).  So, in short, I’m still grinding it out, hoping to make a difference in the life of even one child.

Whew!  That was a mouthful.  Or rather, a handful.  At any rate, I figure I should probably write more often just so that those of you who read this don’t have to read as much.  I’m done making promises, but we’ll see what happens.  Until next time…